Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino
When you are tired of relationships, try a romance.
INT. BAR ? NIGHT
A smoky cocktail bar downtown Detroit.
CLARENCE WORLEY, a young hipster hepcat, is trying to pick up an older
lady named LUCY. She isn't bothered by him, in fact, she's alittle charmed. But,
you can tell, that she isn't going to leave her barstool.
In "Jailhouse Rock" he's everything rockabilly's about. I mean he is
rockabilly: mean, surly, nasty, rude. In that movie he couldn't give a fuck
about anything except rockin' and rollin', livin' fast, dyin' young, and
leaving a good-looking corpse. I love that scene where after he's made it big
he's throwing a big cocktail party, and all these highbrows are there, and
he's singing, "Baby You're So Square... Baby, I Don't Care". Now, they got
him dressed like a dick. He's wearing these stupid-lookin' pants, this
horrible sweater. Elvis ain't no sweater boy. I even think they got him
wearin' penny loafers. Despite all that shit, all the highbrows at the party,
big house, the stupid clothes, he's still a rude-lookin' motherfucker. I'd
watch that hillbilly and I'd want to be him so bad. Elvis looked good. I'm
no fag, but Elvis was good-lookin'. He was fuckin' prettier than most
women. I always said if I ever had to fuck a guy... I mean had too cause my
life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis.
Lucy takes a drag from her cigarette.
I'd fuck Elvis.
When he was alive. I wouldn't fuck him now.
I don't blame you.
So we'd both fuck Elvis. It's nice to meet people with common interests,
Well, enough about the King, how 'bout you?
How 'bout me what?
How 'bout you go to the movies with me tonight?
What are we gonna see?
A Donny Chiba triple feature. "The Streetfighter", "Return of the
Streetfighter", and "Sister Streetfighter".
Who's Sonny Chiba?
He is, bar none, the greatest actor working in martial arts movies ever.
(not believing this)
You wanna take me to a kung fu movie?
(holding up three fingers)
Three kung fu movies.
Lucy takes a drag from her cigarette.
I don't think so, not my cup of tea.
INT. DINGY HOTEL ROOM ? DAY
The sounds of the city flow in through an open window: car horns, gun shots
and violence. Paint is peeling off the walls and the once green carpet is stained
On the bed nearby is a huge open suitcase filled with clear plastic bags of
cocaine. Shotguns and pistols have been dropped carelessly around the
suitcase. On the far end of the room, against the wall, is a TV. "Bewitched" is
At the opposite end of the room, by the front, is a table. DREXL SPIVEY and
FLOYD DIXON sit around. Cocaine is on the table as well as little plastic
bags and a weigher. Floyd is black, Drexl is a white boy, though you wouldn't
know it listen to him.
Nigger, get outta my face with that bullshit.
Naw man, I don't be eatin' that shit.
BIG DON WATTS, a stout, mean-looking black man who's older than Drexl
and Floyd. Walks through the door carrying hamburgers and french fries in
two greasy brown-paper bags.
Naw man, that's some serious shit.
Nigger, you lie like a big dog.
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Floyd say he don't be eatin' pussy.
Shit, any nigger say he don't eat pussy is lyin' his ass off.
I heard that.
Hold on a second, Big D. You sayin' you eat pussy?
Nigger, I eat everything. I eat pussy. I eat the butt. I eat every
Preach on, Big D.
Look here. If I ever did eat some pussy ? I would never eat any pussy ? but,
if I did eat some pussy, I sure as hell wouldn't tell no goddamn body. I'd be
ashamed as a motherfucker.
Shit! Nigger you smoke enough sherm your dumb ass'll do a lot a crazy ass
things. So you won't eat pussy? Motherfucker, you be up there suckin'
Drexl and Big D bump fists.
Yeah, that's right, laugh. It's so funny, oh it's so funny.
(he takes a hit off of a joint)
There used to be a time when sisters didn't know shit about gettin' their
pussy licked. Then the sixties came an' they started fuckin' around with
white boys. And white boys are freaks for that shit ?
? Because it's good!
Then, after a while sisters use to gettin' their little pussy eat. And because
you white boys had to make pigs out of yourselves, you fucked it up for
every nigger in the world everywhere.
Drexl. On behalf of me and all the brothers who aren't here, I'd like to
express our gratitude ?
Drexl and Big D bust up.
Go on pussy-eaters... laugh. You look like you be eatin' pussy. You got
pussy-eatin' mugs. Now if a nigger wants to get his dick sucked he's got to
do a bunch of fucked-up shit.
So you do eat pussy!
You don't like it, but you eat that shit.
He eats it.
Damn skippy. He like it, too.
(mock English accent)
Me thinketh he doth protest too much.
Well fuck you guys then! You guys are fucked up!
Why you trippin'? We jus' fuckin' with ya. But I wanna ask you a question.
You with some fine bitch, I mean a brick shithouse bitch ? you're with
Jayne Kennedy. You're with Jayne Kennedy and you say "Bitch, suck my
dick!" and then Jayne Kennedy says, "First things first, nigger, I ain't
suckin' shit till you bring your ass over here and lick my bush!" Now, what
do you say?
I tell Jayne Kennedy, "Suck my dick or I'll beat your ass!"
Nigger, get real. You touch Jayne Kennedy she'll have you ass in Wayne
County so fast ?
Nigger, back off, you ain't beatin' shit. Now what would you do.
I'd say fuck it!
Drexl and Big D get up from the table disgusted and walk away, leaving Floyd
sitting all alone.
Big D sits on the bed, his back turned to Floyd, watching "Bewitched".
(yelling after them)
Ain't no man have to eat pussy!
(not even looking)
Take that shit somewhere else.
You tell Jayne Kennedy to fuck it?
If it came down to who eats who, damn skippy.
With that terrible mug of yours if Jayne Kennedy told you to eat her pussy,
kiss her ass, lick her feet, chow on her shit, and suck her dog's dick, nigger,
you'd aim to please.
(glued on TV)
In fact, I'm gonna show you what I mean with a little demonstration. Big D,
toss me that shotgun.
Without turning away from "Bewitched" he picks up the shotgun and tosses it to
All right, check this out.
(referring to shotgun)
Now, pretend this is Jayne Kennedy. And you're you.
Then, in a blink, he points the shotgun at Floyd and blows him away.
Big D leaps off the bed and spins toward Drexl.
Drexl, waiting for him, fires from across the room.
The blast hits the big man in the right arm and shoulder, spinning him around.
Drexl makes a beeline for his victim and fires again.
Big D is hit with a blast, full in the back. He slams into the wall and drops.
Drexl collects the suitcase full of cocaine and leaves. As he gets to the front
door he surveys the carnage, spits and walks out.
EXT. CLIFF'S MOVING CAR ? MORNING
A big white Chevy Nova is driving down the road with a sunrise sky as a
backdrop. The song "Little Bitty Tear" is heard a capella.
INT. CLIFF'S MOVING CAR ? MORNING
CLIFF WORLEY is driving his car home from work, singing this song gently
to the sunrise. He's a forty-five-years-old ex-cop, at present a security guard. In
between singing he takes sips from a cup of take-out coffee. He's dressed in a
security guard uniform.
EXT. TRAILER PARK ? MORNING
Cliff's Nova pulls in as he continues crooning. He pulls up to his trailer to see
something that stops him short.
CLIFF'S POV THROUGH WINDSHIELD
Clarence and a nice-looking YOUNG WOMAN are watching for him in front
of his trailer.
CLOSEUP ? CLIFF
Upon seeing Clarence, a little bitty tear rolls down Cliff's cheek.
Clarence and the Young Woman walk over to the car. Clarence sticks his face
through the driver's side window.
Good Morning, Daddy. Long time no see.
INT. TRAILER HOME ? MORNING
All three enter the trailer home.
Excuse the place, I haven't been entertaining company as of late. Sorry if
I'm acting a little dense, but you're the last person in the world I expected
to see this morning.
Clarence and the Young Girl walk into the living room.
Yeah, well, tha's OK, Daddy, I tend to have that effect on people. I'm dyin'
on thirst, you got anything to drink?
He moves past Cliff and heads straight for his refridgerator.
I think there's a Seven-Up in there.
(rumaging around the fridge)
Oh, probably not. Beer? You can drink beer, can't you?
I can, but I don't.
(closing the fridge)
That's about all I ever eat.
Cliff looks at the Girl. She smiles sweetly at him.
I'm sorry... I'm his father.
(sticking her hand out)
That's OK, I'm his wife.
(shaking his hand vigorously)
Alabama Worley, pleased to meetcha.
She is really pumping his arm, just like a used-car salesman. However, that's
where the similarities end; Alabama's totally sincere.
Clarence steps back into the living room, holding a bunch of little ceramic fruit
magnets in his hand. He throws his other arm around Alabama.
Oh yeah, we got married.
(referring to the magnets)
You still have these.
This isn't a complete set; when I was five I swallowed the pomegranate one.
I never shit it out, so I guess it's still there. Loverdoll, why don't you be a
sport and go get us some beer. I want some beer.
Do you want some beer? Well, if you want some it's here.
He hands her some money and his car keys.
Go to the liquor store ?
Where is there a liquor store around here?
Uh, yeah... there's a party store down 54th.
Get a six-pack of something imported. It's hard to tell you what to get
cause different places have different things. If they got Fosters, get that, if
not, ask the guy at the thing what the strongest imported beer he has. Look,
since you're making a beer run, would you mind too terribly if you did a
foot run as well. I'm fuckin' starvin' to death. Are you hungry too?
I'm pretty hungry. When I went to the store I was gonna get some Ding-
Well, fuck that shit, we'll get some real food. What would taste good.
What do you think would taste good?
I'm really not very ?
You know what would taste good? Chicken. I haven't had chicken in a
while. Chicken would really hit the spot about now. Chicken and beer,
definitly, absolutely, without a doubt.
Where's a good chicken place around here?
I really don't know.
You don't know the chicken places around where you live?
Ask the guy at the place where a chicken place is.
He gives her some more money.
This should cover it, Auggie-Doggie.
She opens the door and starts out. Clarence turns to his dad as the door shuts.
Isn't she the sweetest goddamned girl you ever saw in your whole life? Is
she a four alarm fire, or what?
She seems very nice.
Daddy. Nice isn't the word. Nice is an insult. She's a peach. That's the only
word for it, she's a peach. She even tastes like a peach. You can tell I'm in
love with her. You can tell by my face, can't ya? It's a dead giveaway. It's
written all over it. Ya know what? She loves me back. Take a seat, Pop, we
gotta talk ?
Clarence, just shut up, you're giving me a headache! I can't believe how
much like your mother you are. You're your fuckin' mother through and
through. I haven't heard from ya in three years. Then ya show up all of a
sudden at eight o'clock in the morning. You walk in like a goddamn
bulldozer... don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you... just slow it down.
Now, when did you get married?
Daddy, I'm in big fuckin' trouble and I really need your help.
BLACK TITLE CARD: "HOLLYWOOD"
INT. OUTSIDE OF CASTING DIRECTOR'S OFFICER ? DAY
FOUR YOUNG ACTORS are sitting on a couch with sheets of paper in their
hands silently mouthing lines. One of the actors is DICK RITCHIE. The casting
director, MARY LOUISE RAVENCROFT, steps into the waiting room, clip
board in hand.
Dick pops up from the pack.
I'm me... I mean, that's me.
INT. CASTING DIRECTOR'S OFFICE ? DAY
She sits behind a large desk. Her name-plate rests on the desktop. Several
posters advertising "The Return of T.J. Hooker" hang on the wall.
Dick sits in a chair, holding his sheets in his hands.
Well, the part you're reading for is one of the bad guys. There's Brian and
Marty. Peter Breck's already been cast as Brian. And you're reading for
the part of Marty. Now in this scene you're both in a car and Bill Shatner's
hanging on the hood. And what you're trying to do is get him off.
(she picks a up a copy of the script)
Whenever you're ready.
(reading and miming driving)
Where'd you come from?
(reading from the script lifelessly)
I don't know. He just appeared as magic.
(reading from script)
Well, don't just sit there, shoot him.
She puts her script down, and smiles at him.
That was very good.
If we decided on making him a New York type, could you do that?
Sure. No problem.
Could we try it now?
Dick picks up the script and begins, but this time with a Brooklyn accent.
Where'd he come from?
(monotone, as before)
I don't know. He just appeared as magic.
Well, don't just sit there, shoot him.
Ravencroft puts her script down.
Well, Mr. Ritchie, I'm impressed. You're a very fine actor.
INT. TRAILER HOME ? DAY
Cliff's completely aghast. He just stares, unable to come to grips with what
Clarence has told him.
Look, I don't know this is pretty heavy-duty, so if you wanna explode, feel
You're always making jokes. That's what you do, isn't it? Make jokes.
Making jokes is the one thing you're good at, isn't it? But if you make a
joke about this ?
(raising his voice)
? I'm gonna go completely out of my fuckin' head!
Cliff pauses and collects himself.
What do you want from me?
Stop acting like an infant. You're here because you want me to help you in
some way. What do you need from me? You need money?
Do you still have friends on the force?
Yes, I still have friends on the force.
Could you find out if they know anythin'? I don't know they know shit
about us. But I don't wanna think, I wanna know. You could find out for
sure what's goin' on.
What makes you think I could do that?
You were a cop.
What makes you think I would do that?
I'm your son.
You got it all worked out, don't you?
Look, goddamnit, I never asked you for a goddamn thing! I've tried to
make your parental obligation as easy as possible. After Mom divorced
you, did I ask you for anything? When I wouldn't see ya for six months to a
year at a time, did you ever get your shit about it? No, it was always "OK",
"No problem", "You're a busy guy, I understand". The whole time you
were a drunk, did I ever point my finger at you and talk shit? No!
Everybody else did. I never did. You see, I know that you're just a bad
parent. You're not really very good at it. But I know you love me. I'm
basically a pretty resourceful guy. If I didn't really need it I wouldn't ask.
And if you say no, don't worry about it. I'm gone. No problems.
Alabama walks in through the door carrying a shopping bag.
The forager's back.
Thank God. I could eat a horse if you slap enough catsup on it.
I didn't get any chicken.
It's nine o'clock in the morning. Nothing's open.
INT. TRAILER HOME ? BEDROOM ? DAY
Cliff's on the telephone in his bedroom, pacing as he talks. The living room od
the trailer can be seen from his doorway, where Clarence and Alabama are
horsing around. They giggle and cut up throughout the scene. As Cliff talks, all
the noise and hubbub of a police station comes through over the line. He's
talking to DETECTIVE WILSON, an old friend of his from the force.
We see both inside the conversation.
It's about that pimp that was shot a couple of days ago, Drexl Spivey.
What about him?
Well, Ted, to tell you the truth, I found out through the grapevine that it
might be, and I only said might be, the Drexl Spivey that was responsible
for that restaurant break-in on Riverdale.
Are you still working security for Foster & Langley?
Yeah, and the restaurant's on my route. And you know, I stuck my nose in
for the company to try to put a stop to some of these break-ins. Now, while
I have no proof, the name Drexl Spivey kept comin' up Who's case is it?
I don't know him. Is he a nice guy? You think he'll help me out?
I don't see why not. When you gonna come round and see my new place?
You and Robin moved?
Shit, are you behind. Me and Robin got a divorce six months ago. Got
myself a new place ? mirrors all over the bedroom, ceiling fans above the
bed. Guy'd have to look as ugly as King Kong not to get laid in this place.
I'm serious, a guy'd have to look like a gorilla.
EXT. TRAILER HOME ? DAY
Clarence and Cliff stand by Clarence's 1965 red Mustang. Alabama's amusing
herself by doing cartwheels and handstands in the background.
They have nothing. In fact, they think it's drug related.
Do tell. Why drug related?
Apparently, Drexl had a big toe stuck in shit like that.
Yeah. Drexl had an association with a fella named Blue Lou Boyle. Name
mean anything to you?
If you don't hang around in this circle, no reason it should.
Who is he?
Gangster. Drug Dealer. Somebody you don't want on your ass. Look,
Clarence, the more I hear about this Drexl fucker, the more I think you did
the right thing. That guy wasn't just some wild flake.
That's what I've been tellin' ya. The guy was like a mad dog. So the cops
aren't looking for me?
Naw, until they hear something better they'll assume Drexl and Blue Lou
had a falling out. So, once you leave twon, I wouldn't worry about it.
Clarence sticks his hand out to shake. Cliff takes it.
Thanks a lot, Daddy. You really came through for me.
I got some money I can give you ?
Well, son, I want you to know I hope everything works out with you and
Alabama. I like her. I think you make a cute couple.
We do make a cute couple, don't we?
Yeah, well, just stay outta trouble. Remeber, you got a wife to think about.
Quit fuckin' around.
I love you son.
They hug each other,
Clarence takes a pice of paper out and puts it into Cliff's hand.
This is Dick's number in Hollywood. We don't know where we'll be, but
you can get a hold of me through him.
Clarence turns toward Alabama and yells to her.
Bama, we're outta here. Kiss Pops goodbye,
Alabama runs across from where she was and throws her arms around Cliff
and gives him a big smackeroo on the lips. Cliff's a little startled. Alabama's
bubbling like a Fresca.
Bye, Daddy! Hope to see you again real soon.
What kind of daughterly smackeroo was that?
Oh, hush up.
The two get into the Mustang.
We'll send you a postcard as soon as we get to Hollywood.
Clarence starts the engine. The convertible roof opens as they talk.
Bama, you take care of that one for me. Keep him out of trouble.
Don't worry, Daddy, I'm keepin' this fella on a short leash.
Clarence, slowly, starts driving away.
As the sun sets slowly in the west we bid a fond farewell to all the friends
we've made... and, with a touch of melancholy, we look forward to the time
when we will all be together again.
Clarence peels out, shooting a shower of gravel up in the air.
As the Mustang disappears Cliff runs his tongue over his lips.
The-son-of-a-bitch was right... she does taste like a peach.
INT. DICK'S APARTMENT ? DAY
Dick's apartment is standard issue for a young actor. Things are pretty neat
and clean. A nice stereo unit sits on the shelf. A framed picture of a ballet
dancer's feet hangs on the wall.
The phone rings, Dick answers.
Hi, Dick here.
INT. HOTEL SUITE ? LAS VEGAS ? SUNSET
Top floor, Las Vegas, Nevada hotel room with a huge picture window
overlooking the neon-filled strip and the flaming red and orange sunset sky.
Clarence paces up and down with the telephone in his hand.
(big bopper voice)
Note: We intercut both sides of the conversation.
You got it.
It's great to hear from you.
Well, you're gonna be seein' me shortly.
You comin' to L.A.? When?
What's up? Why're leavin' Detroit?
Clarence sits down on the hotel room bed. Alabama, wearing only a long T-
shirt with a big picture of Bullwinkle on it, crawls behind him.
Well, there's a story behind all that. I'll tell you when I see you. By the way,
I won't be alone. I'm bringing my wife with me.
Get the fuck outta here!
I'm married man.
Get the fuck outta here!
Believe it or not, I actually tricked a girl into falling in love with me. I'm
not quite sure how I did it. I'd hate to have to do it again. But I did it.
Wanna say hi to my better half?
Before Dick can respond Clarence puts Alabama on the phone.
Hi, Dick. I'm Alabama Worley.
I can't wait to meet you. Clarence told me all about you. He said you were
his best friend. So, I guess that makes you my best friend, too.
Clarence start dictating to her what to say.
Tell him we gotta go.
Clarence says we gotta be hittin' it.
Tell him we'll be hittin' his area some time tomorrow.
He said don't go nowhere. We'll be there some time tomorrow.
Wait a minute ?
Tell him not to eat anything. We're gonna scarf when we get there.
Don't eat anything.
Alabama, could you tell Clar ?
Ask him if he got the letter.
Did you get the letter?
The letter I sent.
The letter he sent.
Clarence sent a letter?
Has he gotten his mail today?
Gotten your mail yet?
Yeah, my room-mate leaves it on the TV.
Has he looked through it yet?
Ya looked through it?
Tell him to look through it.
Let me speak to Clarence.
He wants to speak with you.
No time. Gotta go. Just tell him to read the letter, the letter explains all.
Tell him I love him. And tell him, as of tomorrow, all his money problems
He can't. We gotta go, but he wants you to read the letter. The letter
explains it all. He wants you to know he loves you. And he wants you to
know that as of tomorrow, all of your money problems are over.
Now tell him goodbye.
Now hang up.
She hangs up the phone.
INT. DICK'S APARTMENT ? DAY
Dick hears the click on the other end.
Hello, hello, Clarence? Clarence's wife?... I mean Alabama... hello?
Extremely confused, Dick jangs up the phone. He goes over to the TV and picks
up the day's mail. He goes through it.
BILL: Southern California Gas Company.
BILL: Group W.
BILL: Fossenkemp Photography.
BILL: Columbia Record and Tape Club.
LETTER: It's obviously from Clarence. Addressed to Dick. Dick opens it.
EXT. TRAILER ? DAY
A lower-middle-class trailer park named Astro World, which has a neon sign in
front of it in the shape of a planet.
A big, white Chevy Nova pulls into the park. It parks by a trailer that's slightly
less kept up than the others. Cliff gets out of the Chevy. He's drinking out of a
fast-food soda cup as he opens the door to his trailer.
INT. TRAILER ? DAY
He steps inside the doorway and then, before he knows it, a gun is pressed to
his temple and a big hand grabs his shoulder.
GUN CARRIER (DARIO)
Welcome home, alchy. We're havin' a party.
Cliff is roughly shoved into his living room. Waiting for him are four men,
standing: VIRGIL, FRANKIE (young Wise-guy) LENNY (an old Wise-guy),
and TOOTH-PICK VIC (a fireplug pitbull type).
Sitting in Cliff's recliner is VINCENZO COCCOTTI, the Frank Nitti to Detroid
mob leader Blue Lou Boyle.
Cliff is knocked to his knees. He looks up and sees the sitting Coccotti. Dario
and Lenny pick him up and roughly drop him in a chair.
Tell Tooth-pick Vic to go outside and do you-know-what.
In Italian Frankie tells Tooth-pick Vic what Coccotti said. He nods and exits.
Cliff's chair is moved closer to Coccotti's. Dario stands on one side of Cliff.
Frankie and Lenny ransack the trailer. Virgil has a bottle of Chivas Regal in his
hand, but he has yet to touch a drop.
Do you know who I am, Mr. Worley?
I give up. Who are you?
I'm the Anti-Christ. You get me in a vendetta kind of mood, you will tell
the angels in heaven that you had never seen pure evil so singularly
personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you. My name is
Vincenzo Coccotti. I work as a counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle, the man
your son stole from. I hear you were once a cop so I assume you've heard
of us before. Am I correct?
I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.
I'm glad. Hopefully that will clear up the how-full-of-shit-I-am question
you've been asking yourself. Now, we're gonna have a little Q and A, and,
at the risk of sounding redundant, please make your answers genuine.
(taking out a pack of Chesterfields)
Want a Chesterfield?
(as he lights up)
I have a son of my own. About you boy's age. I can imagine how painful
this must be for you. But Clarence and that bitch-whore girlfriend of his
brought this all on themselves. And I implore you not to go down the road
with 'em. You can always take comfort in the fact that you never had a
Look, I'd help ya if I could, but I haven't seen Clarence ?
Before Cliff can finish his sentence, Coccotti slams him hard in the nose with
Smarts, don't it? Gettin' slammed in the nose fucks you all up. You got that
pain shootin' through your brain. Your eyes fill up with water. It ain't any
kind of fun. But what I have to offer you. That's as good as it's ever gonna
get, and it won't ever get that good again. We talked to your neighbors.
They saw a Mustang, a red Mustang, Clarence's red Mustang, parked in
front of your trailer yesterday. Mr. Worley, have you seen your son?
I've seen him.
Now I can't be sure of how much of what he told you. So in the chance
you're in the dark about some of this, let me shed some light. That whore
your boy hangs around with, her pimp is an associate of mine, and I don't
just mean pimpin', in other affairs he works for me in a courier capacity.
Well, apparently, that dirty little whore found out when we're gonna do
some business, cause your son, the cowboy and his flame, came in the room
blastin' and didn't stop till they were pretty sure everybody was dead.
What are you talkin' about?
I'm talkin' about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics and hightailed it
outta there. Wouldda gotten away with it, but your son, fuckhead that he is,
left his driver's license in a dead guy's hand. A whore hiding in the
commode filled in all the blanks.
I don't believe you.
That's of minor importance. But what's of major fuckin' importance is that
I believe you. Where did they go?
On their honeymoon.
I'm gettin' angry askin' the same question a second time. Where did they
They didn't tell me.
Coccotti looks at him.
Now, wait a minute and listen. I haven't seen Clarence in three years.
Yesterday he shows up here with a girl, sayin' he got married. He told me
he needed some quick cash for a honeymoon, so he asked if he could
borrow five hundred dollars. I wanted to help him out so I wrote out a
check. We went to breakfast and that's the last I saw of him. So help me
God. They never thought to tell me where they were goin'. And I never
thought to ask.
Coccotti looks at him for a long moment. He then gives Virgil a look. Virgil,
quick as greased lightning, grabs Cliff's hand and turns it palm up. He then
whips out a butterfly knife and slices Cliff's palm open and pours Chivas Regal
on the wound. Cliff screams.
Coccotti puffs on a Chesterfield.
Tooth-pic Vic returns to the trailer, and reports in Italian that there's nothing in
Virgil walks into the kitchen and gets a dishtowel. Cliff holds his bleeding palm
in agony. Virgil hands him the dishtowel. Cliff uses it to wrap up his hand.
Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm a Sicilian. And my old
man was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. And from
growin' up with him I learned the pantomime. Now there are seventeen
different things a guy can do when he lies to give him away. A guy has
seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen.
And if you know 'em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors to
hell. What we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna
show me nothin'. But you're tellin' me everything. Now I know you know
where they are. So tell me, before I do some damage you won't walk away
The awful pain in Cliff's hand is being replaced by the awful pain in his heart.
He looks deep into Coccotti's eyes.
Could I have one of those Chesterfields now?
Coccotti leans over and hands him a smoke.
Got a match?
Cliff reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
Oh, don't bother. I got one.
(he lights the cigarette)
So you're a Sicilian, huh?
You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find
that shit fascinating. In fact, I don't know if you know this or not, Sicilians
were spawned by niggers.
All the men stop what they were doing and look at Cliff, except for Tooth-pic
Vic who doesn't speak English and so isn't insulted. Coccotti can't believe what
It's a fact. Sicilians have nigger blood pumpin' through their hearts. If you
don't believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago
the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are niggers. Way back then,
Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But,
once the Moors moved in there, they changed the whole country. They did
so much fuckin' with the Sicilian women, they changed the blood-line for
ever, from blond hair and blue eyes to black hair and dark skin. I find it
absolutely amazing to think that to this day, hundreds of years later,
Sicilians still carry that nigger gene. I'm just quotin' history. It's a fact. It's
written. Your ancestors were niggers. Your great, great, great, great, great-
grandmother was fucked by a nigger, and had a half-nigger kid. That is a
fact. Now tell me, am I lyin'?
Coccotti looks at him for a moment then jumps up, whips out an automatic,
grabs hold of Cliff's hair, puts the barrel to his temple, and pumps three bullets
through Cliff's head.
He pushes the body violently aside. Coccotti pauses. Unable to express his
feelings and frustrated by the blood in his hands, he simply drops his weapon,
and turns to his men.
I haven't killed anybody since 1974. Goddamn his soul to burn for eternity
in fuckin' hell for makin' me spill blood on my hands! Go to this
comedian's son's apartment and come back with somethin' that tells me
where that asshole went so I can wipe this egg off of my face and fix this
fucked-up family for good.
Tooth-pick Vic taps Frankie's shoulder and, in Italianm asks him what that was
Lenny, who has been going through Cliff's refridgerator, has found a beer.
When he closes the refridgerator door he finds a note held on by a ceramic
banana magnet that says: "Clarence in L.A.: Dick Ritchie (number and
Boss, get ready to get happy.
TITLE CARD: "CLARENCE AND ALABAMA HIT L.A."
INT. DICK'S APARTMENT ? MORNING
Dick's asleep in a recliner. He's wearing his clothes from the night before. His
room-mate FLOYD is lying on the sofa watching TV.
The sound of our hands knocking on his door wakes Dick up. He shakes the
bats out of his belfry, opens the door, and finds the cutest couple in Los Angeles
standing in his doorway.
Clarence and Alabama immediately start singing "Hello My Baby" like the frog
in the old Chuck Jones cartoon.
Hello my baby,
Hello my honey,
Hello my ragtime gal ?
Alabama throws her arms around Dick, and gives him a quick kiss. After she
breaks, Clarence does the same. Clarence and Alabama walk right past Dick
and into his apartment.
Wow. Neat place.
INT. PINK'S HOT-DOG STAND ? DAY
The Pink's employees work like skilled Benihana chefs as they assemble the
ultimate masterpiece hot-dog.
EXT. PINK'S HOT-DOG STAND ? PATIO ? DAY
Clarence, Alabama, and Dick are sitting at an outdoor table chowing down on
chili dogs. Alabama is in the middle of a story.
... when my mom went into labor, my dad panicked. He never had a kid
before, and crashed the car. Now, picture this: their car's demolished,
crowd is starting to gather, my mom is yelling, going into contractions, and
my dad, who was losing it before, is now completely screaming yellow
zonkers. Then, out of nowhere, as if from thin air, this big giant bus
appears, and the bus-driver says, "Get her in here.". He forgot all about his
route and just drove straight to the hospital. So, because he was such a nice
guy, they wanted to name the baby after him, as a sign of gratitude. Well,
his name was Waldo, and no matter how grateful they were, even if I'da
been a boy, they would't call me Waldo. So they asked Waldo where he was
from. And, so there you go.
And here we are.
That's a pretty amazing story.
Well, she's a pretty amazing girl. What are women like out here?
Just like in Detroit, only skinnier.
You goin' out?
Well, for the past couple of years I've been goin' out with girls from my
Good for you.
What's so fuckin' good about it? Actresses are the most fucked-in-the-head
bunch of women in the world. It's like they gotta pass a test of emotional
instability before they can get their SAG card. Oh, guess what? I had a
really good reading for "T.J. Hooker" the other day.
You're gonna be on "T.J. Hooker"?
He knocks the table and then looks at it.
... formica. I did real well. I think she liked me.
Did you meet Captain Kirk?
You don't meet him in the audition. That comes later. Hope, hope.
(finishing her hot-dog)
That was so good I am gonna have another.
You can't have just one.
Alabama leaves to get another hot-dog. Clarence never takes his eyes off her.
How much of that letter was on the up and up?
Every word of it.
Dick sees where Clarence's attention is.
You're really in love, aren't you?
For the very first time in my life.
Do you know what that's like?
Clarence is so intense Dick doesn't know how to answer.
No, I don't
(he looks at Alabama)
How did you two meet?
Clarence leans back thoughtfully and takes a sip from his Hebrew cream soda.
Do you remember The Lyric?
INT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT
Sonny Chiba, as "Streetfighter" Terry Surki, drives into a group of guys, fists
and feet flying and whips ass on the silver screen.
Clarence sits, legs over the back of the chair in front of him, nibbling on
popcorn, eyes big as sourcers, and a big smile on his face.
EXT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT
A cab pulls up to the outside of The Lyric. The marquee carries the names of the
triple feature: "The Streetfighter", "Return of the Streetfighter" and "Sister
Streetfighter". Alabama steps out of the taxi cab and walks up to the box office.
A BOX OFFICE GIRL reading comic looks at her.
BOX OFFICE GIRL
Which one is on now?
BOX OFFICE GIRL
"Return of the Streetfighter". It's been on about forty-five minutes.
INT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? LOBBY ? NIGHT
Alabama walks into the lobby and goes over to the concession stand. A
YOUNG USHER takes care of her.
Can I have a medium popcorn? A super-large Mr. Pibb, and a box of
INT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT
It's still assholes and elbows on the screen with Sonny Chiba taking on all-
Alabama walks through the doors with her bounty of food. She makes a quick
scan of the theater. Not many people are there. She makes a beeline for the
front whick happens to be Clarence's area of choice. She picks the row of seats
just behind Clarence and starts asking her way down it.
Clarence turns and sees this beautiful girl all alone moving towards him. He
turns his attention back to the screen, trying not to be so obvious.
When Alabama gets right behind Clarence, her foot thunks a discarded wine
bottle, causing her to trip and spill her popcorn over Clarence.
Oh, look what happened. Oh god, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?
Yeah. I'm fine. It didn't hurt.
I'm the clumsiest person in the world.
(picking popcorn out of his hair)
It's OK. Don't worry about it. Accidents happen.
(picking popcorn out of his hair)
What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for being such a sweetheart. You
could have been a real dick.
Alabama sits back in her seat to watch the movie.
Clarence tries to wipe her out of his mind, which isn't easy, and get back into
They both watch the screen for a moment. Then, Alabama leans forward and
taps Clarence on the shoulder.
Excuse me... I hate to bother you again. Would you mind too terribly filling
me in on what I missed?
Jumping on this opportunity.
Not at all. I, this guy here, he's Sonny Chiba.
The oriental in black. He's an assasin. Now, at the beginning he was hired
to kill this guy the cops had. So he got himself arrested. They take him into
the police station. And he starts kickin' all the cops' asses. Now, while
keepin' them at bay, he finds the guy he was supposed to kill. Does a
number on him. Kicks the cops' asses some more. Kicks the bars out of the
window. And jumps out into a getaway car that was waiting for him.
Want some Goobers?
Thanks a lot.
I thought Sonny was the good guy.
He ain't so much good guy as he's just a bad motherfucker. Sonny don't be
bullshittin'. He fucks dudes up for life. Hold on, a fight scene's coming up.
They both watch, eyes wide, as Sonny Chiba kicks asses.
On the screen, Sonny Chiba's all jacked up. Dead bodies lie all around him.
THE END (in Japanese) flashes on the screen.
The theater light go up. Alabama's now sitting in the next seat to Clarence.
They're both applauding.
Great movie. Action-packed!
Does Sonny kick ass or does Sonny kick ass?
Sonny kicks ass.
You shoulda saw the first original uncut version of the "Streetfighter". It
was the only movie up to that time rated X for violence. But we just saw the
If that was the R, I'd love to see the X.
My name is Clarence, and what is yours?
Alabama Whitman. Pleased to meet ya.
Is that your real name? Really?
That's my real name, really. I got proof. See.
She shows Clarence her driver's license.
Well, cut my legs off and call me Shorty. That's a pretty original moniker
there, Alabama. Sounds like a Pam Grier movie.
She's a sixteen-calibre kitten, equally equipped for killin' an' lovin'! She
carried a sawed-off shotgun in her purse, a black belt around her waist,
and the white-hot fire of hate in her eyes! Alabama Whitman is Pam Grier!
Pray for forgiveness, Rated R... for Ruthless Revenge!
EXT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT
Clarence and Alabama are outside the theater. With the marquee lit up in the
background they both perform unskilled martial arts moves. Clarence and
Alabama break up laughing.
Where's your car? I'll walk you to it.
I took a cab.
You took a cab to see three kung fu movies?
Sure. Why not?
Nothing. It's just you're a girl after my own heart.
What time is it?
I suppose you gotta get up early, huh?
No. Not particularly.
Well, it's just when I see a really good movie I really like to go out and get
some pie, and talk about it. It's sort of tradition. Do you like to eat pie after
you've seen a good movie?
I love to get pie after a movie.
Would you like to get some pie?
I'd love some pie.
INT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT ? NIGHT
Clarence and Alabama are sitting in a booth at an all-night Denny's. It's about
12:40 a.m. Clarence is having a piece of chocolate cream pie and a coke.
Alabama's nibbling on a peace of heated apple pie and sipping on a large Tab.
Well, enough about the King. How about you?
How 'bout me what?
Tell me about yourself.
There's nothing to tell.
C'mon. What're ya tryin' to be? The Phantom Lady?
What do you want to know?
Well, for starters, what do you do? Where're ya from? What's your
favorite color? Who's your favorite movie star? What kinda music do you
like? What are your turn-ons and turn-offs? Do you have a fella? What's
the story behind you takin' a cab to the most dangerous part of town alone?
And, in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?
Alabama takes a bite of pie, puts down her fork, and looks at Clarence.
Ask me them again. One by one.
What do you do?
I don't remember.
Where are you from.
Might be from Tallahassee. But I'm not sure yet.
What's your favorite color?
I don't remember. But off the top of my head, I'd say black.
What's your favorite movie star?
Would you like a bite of my pie?
Yes, I would.
Clarence scoops up a piece on his fork and Alabama bites it off.
Very much. Now, where were we?
What kinda music do you like?
Phil Spector. Girl group stuff. You know, like "He's a Rebel".
What are your turn-ons?
Mickey Rourke, somebody who can appreciate the finer things in life, like
Elvis's voice, good kung fu, and a tasty piece of pie.
I'm sure there must be something, but I don't really remember. The only
thing that comes to mind are Persians.
Do you have a fella?
She looks at Clarence and smiles.
I'm not sure yet. Ask me again later.
What's the story behind you takin' a cab to the most dangerous part of
Apparently, I was hit on the head with something really heavy, giving me a
form of amnesia. When I came to, I didn't know who I was, where I was, or
where I came from. Luckily, I had my driver's license or I wouldn't even
know my name. I hoped it would tell me where I lived but it had a
Tallahassee address on it, and I stopped somebody on the street and they
told me I was in Detroit. So that was no help. But I did have some money on
me, so I hopped in a cab until I saw somethin' that looked familiar. For
some reason, and don't ask me why, that theater looked familiar. So I told
him to stop and I got out.
And in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?
Because you looked like a nice guy, and I was a little scared. And I sure
couldda used a nice guy about that time, so I spilled my popcorn on you.
Clarence looks at her closely. He picks up his soda and sucks on the straw until
it makes that slurping sound. He puts it aside and stares into her soul.
A smile cracks on her face and develops into a big wide grin.
Aren't you just dazzled by my imagination, lover boy?
(eats her last piece of pie)
Where to next?
INT. COMIC BOOK STORE ? NIGHT
It's about 1:30 a.m. Clarence has taken Alabama to where he works. It's a
comic book store called Heroes For Sale. Alabama thinks this place is super-
Wow. What a swell place to work.
Yeah, I got the key, so I come here at night, hang out, read comic books,
How long have you worked here?
Almost four years.
That's a long time.
I'm hip. But you know, I'm comfortable here. It's easy work. I know what
I'm doing. Everybody who works here is my buddy. I'm friendly with most
of the customers. I just hang around and talk about comic books all day.
Do you get paid a lot?
That's where trouble comes into paradise. But the boss let's you borrow
some money if you need it. Wanna see what "Spiderman" number one
You bet. How much is that worth?
Clarence gets a box off the shelf.
Four hundred bucks.
I didn't even know they had stores that just sold comic books.
Well, we sell other things too. Cool stuff. "Man from U.N.C.L.E." Lunch
boxes. "Green Hornet" board games. Shit like that. But comic books are
main business. There's a lot of collectors around here.
She holds up a little GI Joe sized action figure of a black policeman.
That's a "Rookies" doll. George Sanford Brown. We gotta lotta dolls.
They're real cool. Did you know they came out with dolls for all the actors
in "The Black Hole"? I always found it funny somewhere there's a kid
playin' with a little figure of Earnest Borgnine.
He pulls a plastic-cased "Spiderman" comic form the box.
"Spiderman", number one. The one that started it all.
Clarence shows the comic book to Alabama.
God, Spiderman looks different.
He was just born, remember? This is the first one. You know that guy, Dr.
Gene Scott? He said that the story of Spiderman is the story of Christ, just
disguised. Well, I thought about that even before I heard him say it. Hold
on, let me show you my favorite comic book cover of all time.
He pulls out another comic.
"Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos". One of the coolest series known
to man. They're completely worthless. You can get number one for about
four bucks. But that's one of the cool things about them, they're so cheap.
(he opens one up)
Just look at that artwork, will ya. Great stories. Great Characters. Look at
We see the "Sgt. Fury" panels.
Nick's gotten a ring from his sweetheart and he wears it around his neck on
a chain. OK, later in the story he gets into a fight with a Nazi bastard on a
ship. He knocks the guy overboard, but the Kraut grabs ahold of his chain
and the ring goes overboard too. So, Nick dives into the ocean to get it. Isn't
She's looking into Clarence's eyes. He turns and meets her gaze.
Alabama, I'd like you to have this.
Clarence hands her the "Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos" comic book
that he loves so much.
INT. CLARENCE'S APARTMENT ? BEDROOM ? NIGHT
Clarence's bedroom is a pop culture explosion. Movie posters, pictures of Elvis,
anything you can imagine. The two walk through the door.
What a cool room!
She runs and does a jumping somersault into his bed.
Later. Alabama's sitting Indian-style going through Clarence's photo album.
Clarence is behind her planting little kisses on her neck and shoulders.
Oooooh, you look so cute in your little cowboy outfit. How old were you
She turns the page.
Oh, you look so cute as little Elvis.
I finally knew what I wanted when I grew up.
LATER ? LIVING ROOM
Clarence and Alabama slow dance in the middle of his room to Janis Joplin's
"Piece of My Heart".
You know when you sat behind me?
At the movies?
Uh-huh, I was tryin' to think of somethin' to say to you, then I thought, she
doesn't want me bothering her.
What would make you think that?
I dunno. I guess I'm just stupid.
You're not stupid. Just wrong.
They move to the music. Alabama softly, quietly sings some of the words to the
I love Janis.
You know, a lot of people have misconceptions of how she died.
She OD'd, didn't she?
Yeah, she OD'd. But wasn't on her last legs or anythin'. She didn't take too
much. It shouldn't have killed her. There was somethin' wrong with what
You mean she got a bad batch?
That's what happened. In fact, when she died, it was considered to be the
happiest time of her life. She'd been fucked over so much by men she didn't
trust them. She was havin' this relationship with this guy and he asked her
to marry him. Now, other people had asked to marry her before, but she
couldn't be sure whether they really loved her or were just after her money.
So, she said no. And the guy says, "Look, I really love you, and I wanna
prove it. So have your lawyers draw up a paper that says no matter what
happens, I can never get any of your money, and I'll sign it." So she did,
and he asked her, and she said yes. And once they were engaged he told her
a secret about himself that she never knew: he was a millionaire.
So he really loved her?
INT. CLARENCE'S APARTMENT ? BEDROOM ? DAY
It's the next day, around 1 p.m. Clarence wakes up in his bed, alone. He looks
around, and no Alabama. Then he hears crying in the distance. He puts on a
robe and investigates.
INT. CLARENCE'S APARTMENT ? LIVING ROOM ? DAY
Alabama's wearing one of Clarence's old shirts. She's curled up in a chair
crying. Clarence approaches her. She tries to compose herself.
What's wrong, sweetheart? Did I do something? What did I do?
You didn't do nothing.
Did you hurt yourself?
(he takes her foot)
Whatd'ya do? Step on a thumbtack?
Clarence, I've got something to tell you. I didn't just happen to be at the
theater. I was paid to be there.
What are you, a theater checker? You check up on the box office girls.
Make sure they're not rippin' the place off.
I'm not a theater checker. I'm a call girl.
You're a whore?
I'm a call girl. There's a difference, ya know.
I don't know. Maybe there's not. That place you took me to last night, that
comic book place.
"Heroes For Sale"?
Yeah, that one. Somebody who works there arranged to have me meet you.
I don't know. I didn't talk with them. The plan was for me to bump into
you, pick you up, spend the night, and skip out after you fell asleep. I was
gonna write you a note and say that this was my last day in America. That I
was leaving on a plane this morning up to Ukraine to marry a rich
millionaire, and thank you for making my last day in America my best day.
That dazzling i