What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love And Understanding Songtext - Whitney Houston

What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love And Understanding - Whitney Houston

True Romance


Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino


When you are tired of relationships, try a romance.


INT. BAR ? NIGHT


A smoky cocktail bar downtown Detroit.


CLARENCE WORLEY, a young hipster hepcat, is trying to pick up an older

lady named LUCY. She isn't bothered by him, in fact, she's alittle charmed. But,

you can tell, that she isn't going to leave her barstool.


CLARENCE

In "Jailhouse Rock" he's everything rockabilly's about. I mean he is

rockabilly: mean, surly, nasty, rude. In that movie he couldn't give a fuck

about anything except rockin' and rollin', livin' fast, dyin' young, and

leaving a good-looking corpse. I love that scene where after he's made it big

he's throwing a big cocktail party, and all these highbrows are there, and

he's singing, "Baby You're So Square... Baby, I Don't Care". Now, they got

him dressed like a dick. He's wearing these stupid-lookin' pants, this

horrible sweater. Elvis ain't no sweater boy. I even think they got him

wearin' penny loafers. Despite all that shit, all the highbrows at the party,

big house, the stupid clothes, he's still a rude-lookin' motherfucker. I'd

watch that hillbilly and I'd want to be him so bad. Elvis looked good. I'm

no fag, but Elvis was good-lookin'. He was fuckin' prettier than most

women. I always said if I ever had to fuck a guy... I mean had too cause my

life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis.


Lucy takes a drag from her cigarette.


LUCY

I'd fuck Elvis.


CLARENCE

Really?


LUCY

When he was alive. I wouldn't fuck him now.


CLARENCE

I don't blame you.

(they laugh)

So we'd both fuck Elvis. It's nice to meet people with common interests,

isn't it?


Lucy laughs.


CLARENCE

Well, enough about the King, how 'bout you?


LUCY

How 'bout me what?


CLARENCE

How 'bout you go to the movies with me tonight?


LUCY

What are we gonna see?


CLARENCE

A Donny Chiba triple feature. "The Streetfighter", "Return of the

Streetfighter", and "Sister Streetfighter".


LUCY

Who's Sonny Chiba?


CLARENCE

He is, bar none, the greatest actor working in martial arts movies ever.


LUCY

(not believing this)

You wanna take me to a kung fu movie?


CLARENCE

(holding up three fingers)

Three kung fu movies.


Lucy takes a drag from her cigarette.


LUCY

(laughing)

I don't think so, not my cup of tea.


INT. DINGY HOTEL ROOM ? DAY


The sounds of the city flow in through an open window: car horns, gun shots

and violence. Paint is peeling off the walls and the once green carpet is stained

black.


On the bed nearby is a huge open suitcase filled with clear plastic bags of

cocaine. Shotguns and pistols have been dropped carelessly around the

suitcase. On the far end of the room, against the wall, is a TV. "Bewitched" is

playing.


At the opposite end of the room, by the front, is a table. DREXL SPIVEY and

FLOYD DIXON sit around. Cocaine is on the table as well as little plastic

bags and a weigher. Floyd is black, Drexl is a white boy, though you wouldn't

know it listen to him.


DREXL

Nigger, get outta my face with that bullshit.


FLOYD

Naw man, I don't be eatin' that shit.


DREXL

That's bullshit.

BIG DON WATTS, a stout, mean-looking black man who's older than Drexl

and Floyd. Walks through the door carrying hamburgers and french fries in

two greasy brown-paper bags.


FLOYD

Naw man, that's some serious shit.


DREXL

Nigger, you lie like a big dog.

BIG D

What the fuck are you talkin' about?

DREXL

Floyd say he don't be eatin' pussy.

BIG D

Shit, any nigger say he don't eat pussy is lyin' his ass off.

DREXL

I heard that.

FLOYD

Hold on a second, Big D. You sayin' you eat pussy?

BIG D

Nigger, I eat everything. I eat pussy. I eat the butt. I eat every

motherfuckin' thang.


DREXL

Preach on, Big D.

FLOYD

Look here. If I ever did eat some pussy ? I would never eat any pussy ? but,

if I did eat some pussy, I sure as hell wouldn't tell no goddamn body. I'd be

ashamed as a motherfucker.


BIG D

Shit! Nigger you smoke enough sherm your dumb ass'll do a lot a crazy ass

things. So you won't eat pussy? Motherfucker, you be up there suckin'

niggers' dicks.


DREXL

Heard that.


Drexl and Big D bump fists.


FLOYD

Yeah, that's right, laugh. It's so funny, oh it's so funny.

(he takes a hit off of a joint)

There used to be a time when sisters didn't know shit about gettin' their

pussy licked. Then the sixties came an' they started fuckin' around with

white boys. And white boys are freaks for that shit ?


DREXL

? Because it's good!


FLOYD

Then, after a while sisters use to gettin' their little pussy eat. And because

you white boys had to make pigs out of yourselves, you fucked it up for

every nigger in the world everywhere.


BIG D

Drexl. On behalf of me and all the brothers who aren't here, I'd like to

express our gratitude ?


Drexl and Big D bust up.


FLOYD

Go on pussy-eaters... laugh. You look like you be eatin' pussy. You got

pussy-eatin' mugs. Now if a nigger wants to get his dick sucked he's got to

do a bunch of fucked-up shit.


BIG D

So you do eat pussy!


FLOYD

Naw naw!


BIG D

You don't like it, but you eat that shit.

(to Drexl)

He eats it.


DREXL

Damn skippy. He like it, too.


BIG D

(mock English accent)

Me thinketh he doth protest too much.


FLOYD

Well fuck you guys then! You guys are fucked up!


DREXL

Why you trippin'? We jus' fuckin' with ya. But I wanna ask you a question.

You with some fine bitch, I mean a brick shithouse bitch ? you're with

Jayne Kennedy. You're with Jayne Kennedy and you say "Bitch, suck my

dick!" and then Jayne Kennedy says, "First things first, nigger, I ain't

suckin' shit till you bring your ass over here and lick my bush!" Now, what

do you say?


FLOYD

I tell Jayne Kennedy, "Suck my dick or I'll beat your ass!"


BIG D

Nigger, get real. You touch Jayne Kennedy she'll have you ass in Wayne

County so fast ?


DREXL

Nigger, back off, you ain't beatin' shit. Now what would you do.


FLOYD

I'd say fuck it!


Drexl and Big D get up from the table disgusted and walk away, leaving Floyd

sitting all alone.


Big D sits on the bed, his back turned to Floyd, watching "Bewitched".


FLOYD

(yelling after them)

Ain't no man have to eat pussy!


BIG D

(not even looking)

Take that shit somewhere else.


DRXL

(marching back)

You tell Jayne Kennedy to fuck it?


FLOYD

If it came down to who eats who, damn skippy.


DREXL

With that terrible mug of yours if Jayne Kennedy told you to eat her pussy,

kiss her ass, lick her feet, chow on her shit, and suck her dog's dick, nigger,

you'd aim to please.


BIG D

(glued on TV)

I'm hip.


DREXL

In fact, I'm gonna show you what I mean with a little demonstration. Big D,

toss me that shotgun.


Without turning away from "Bewitched" he picks up the shotgun and tosses it to

Drexl.


DREXL

(to Floyd)

All right, check this out.

(referring to shotgun)

Now, pretend this is Jayne Kennedy. And you're you.


Then, in a blink, he points the shotgun at Floyd and blows him away.


Big D leaps off the bed and spins toward Drexl.


Drexl, waiting for him, fires from across the room.


The blast hits the big man in the right arm and shoulder, spinning him around.


Drexl makes a beeline for his victim and fires again.


Big D is hit with a blast, full in the back. He slams into the wall and drops.


Drexl collects the suitcase full of cocaine and leaves. As he gets to the front

door he surveys the carnage, spits and walks out.


EXT. CLIFF'S MOVING CAR ? MORNING


A big white Chevy Nova is driving down the road with a sunrise sky as a

backdrop. The song "Little Bitty Tear" is heard a capella.


INT. CLIFF'S MOVING CAR ? MORNING


CLIFF WORLEY is driving his car home from work, singing this song gently

to the sunrise. He's a forty-five-years-old ex-cop, at present a security guard. In

between singing he takes sips from a cup of take-out coffee. He's dressed in a

security guard uniform.


EXT. TRAILER PARK ? MORNING


Cliff's Nova pulls in as he continues crooning. He pulls up to his trailer to see

something that stops him short.


CLIFF'S POV THROUGH WINDSHIELD


Clarence and a nice-looking YOUNG WOMAN are watching for him in front

of his trailer.


CLOSEUP ? CLIFF


Upon seeing Clarence, a little bitty tear rolls down Cliff's cheek.


BACK TO:


CLIFF'S POV


Clarence and the Young Woman walk over to the car. Clarence sticks his face

through the driver's side window.


CLARENCE

Good Morning, Daddy. Long time no see.


INT. TRAILER HOME ? MORNING


All three enter the trailer home.


CLIFF

Excuse the place, I haven't been entertaining company as of late. Sorry if

I'm acting a little dense, but you're the last person in the world I expected

to see this morning.


Clarence and the Young Girl walk into the living room.


CLARENCE

Yeah, well, tha's OK, Daddy, I tend to have that effect on people. I'm dyin'

on thirst, you got anything to drink?


He moves past Cliff and heads straight for his refridgerator.


CLIFF

I think there's a Seven-Up in there.


CLARENCE

(rumaging around the fridge)

Anything stronger?

(pause)

Oh, probably not. Beer? You can drink beer, can't you?


CLIFF

I can, but I don't.


CLARENCE

(closing the fridge)

That's about all I ever eat.


Cliff looks at the Girl. She smiles sweetly at him.


CLIFF

(to Girl)

I'm sorry... I'm his father.


YOUNG GIRL

(sticking her hand out)

That's OK, I'm his wife.

(shaking his hand vigorously)

Alabama Worley, pleased to meetcha.


She is really pumping his arm, just like a used-car salesman. However, that's

where the similarities end; Alabama's totally sincere.


Clarence steps back into the living room, holding a bunch of little ceramic fruit

magnets in his hand. He throws his other arm around Alabama.


CLARENCE

Oh yeah, we got married.

(referring to the magnets)

You still have these.

(to Alabama)

This isn't a complete set; when I was five I swallowed the pomegranate one.

I never shit it out, so I guess it's still there. Loverdoll, why don't you be a

sport and go get us some beer. I want some beer.

(to Cliff)

Do you want some beer? Well, if you want some it's here.


He hands her some money and his car keys.


CLARENCE

Go to the liquor store ?

(to Cliff)

Where is there a liquor store around here?


CLIFF

Uh, yeah... there's a party store down 54th.


CLARENCE

(to Alabama)

Get a six-pack of something imported. It's hard to tell you what to get

cause different places have different things. If they got Fosters, get that, if

not, ask the guy at the thing what the strongest imported beer he has. Look,

since you're making a beer run, would you mind too terribly if you did a

foot run as well. I'm fuckin' starvin' to death. Are you hungry too?


ALABAMA

I'm pretty hungry. When I went to the store I was gonna get some Ding-

Dongs.


CLARENCE

Well, fuck that shit, we'll get some real food. What would taste good.

(to Cliff)

What do you think would taste good?


CLIFF

I'm really not very ?


CLARENCE

You know what would taste good? Chicken. I haven't had chicken in a

while. Chicken would really hit the spot about now. Chicken and beer,

definitly, absolutely, without a doubt.

(to Cliff)

Where's a good chicken place around here?


CLIFF

I really don't know.


CLARENCE

You don't know the chicken places around where you live?

(to Alabama)

Ask the guy at the place where a chicken place is.


He gives her some more money.


CLARENCE

This should cover it, Auggie-Doggie.


ALABAMA

Okee-dokee, Doggie-Daddy.


She opens the door and starts out. Clarence turns to his dad as the door shuts.


CLARENCE

Isn't she the sweetest goddamned girl you ever saw in your whole life? Is

she a four alarm fire, or what?


CLIFF

She seems very nice.


CLARENCE

Daddy. Nice isn't the word. Nice is an insult. She's a peach. That's the only

word for it, she's a peach. She even tastes like a peach. You can tell I'm in

love with her. You can tell by my face, can't ya? It's a dead giveaway. It's

written all over it. Ya know what? She loves me back. Take a seat, Pop, we

gotta talk ?


CLIFF

Clarence, just shut up, you're giving me a headache! I can't believe how

much like your mother you are. You're your fuckin' mother through and

through. I haven't heard from ya in three years. Then ya show up all of a

sudden at eight o'clock in the morning. You walk in like a goddamn

bulldozer... don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you... just slow it down.

Now, when did you get married?


CLARENCE

Daddy, I'm in big fuckin' trouble and I really need your help.


BLACK TITLE CARD: "HOLLYWOOD"


INT. OUTSIDE OF CASTING DIRECTOR'S OFFICER ? DAY


FOUR YOUNG ACTORS are sitting on a couch with sheets of paper in their

hands silently mouthing lines. One of the actors is DICK RITCHIE. The casting

director, MARY LOUISE RAVENCROFT, steps into the waiting room, clip

board in hand.


RAVENCROFT

Dick Ritchie?


Dick pops up from the pack.


DICK

I'm me... I mean, that's me.


RAVENCROFT

Step inside.


INT. CASTING DIRECTOR'S OFFICE ? DAY


She sits behind a large desk. Her name-plate rests on the desktop. Several

posters advertising "The Return of T.J. Hooker" hang on the wall.


Dick sits in a chair, holding his sheets in his hands.


RAVENCROFT

Well, the part you're reading for is one of the bad guys. There's Brian and

Marty. Peter Breck's already been cast as Brian. And you're reading for

the part of Marty. Now in this scene you're both in a car and Bill Shatner's

hanging on the hood. And what you're trying to do is get him off.

(she picks a up a copy of the script)

Whenever you're ready.


DICK

(reading and miming driving)

Where'd you come from?


RAVENCROFT

(reading from the script lifelessly)

I don't know. He just appeared as magic.


DICK

(reading from script)

Well, don't just sit there, shoot him.


She puts her script down, and smiles at him.


RAVENCROFT

That was very good.


DICK

Thank you.


RAVENCROFT

If we decided on making him a New York type, could you do that?


DICK

Sure. No problem.


RAVENCROFT

Could we try it now?


DICK

Absolutely.


Dick picks up the script and begins, but this time with a Brooklyn accent.


DICK

Where'd he come from?


RAVENCROFT

(monotone, as before)

I don't know. He just appeared as magic.


DICK

Well, don't just sit there, shoot him.


Ravencroft puts her script down.


RAVENCROFT

Well, Mr. Ritchie, I'm impressed. You're a very fine actor.


Dick smiles.


INT. TRAILER HOME ? DAY


Cliff's completely aghast. He just stares, unable to come to grips with what

Clarence has told him.


CLARENCE

Look, I don't know this is pretty heavy-duty, so if you wanna explode, feel

free.


CLIFF

You're always making jokes. That's what you do, isn't it? Make jokes.

Making jokes is the one thing you're good at, isn't it? But if you make a

joke about this ?

(raising his voice)

? I'm gonna go completely out of my fuckin' head!


Cliff pauses and collects himself.


CLIFF

What do you want from me?


CLARENCE

What?


CLIFF

Stop acting like an infant. You're here because you want me to help you in

some way. What do you need from me? You need money?


CLARENCE

Do you still have friends on the force?


CLIFF

Yes, I still have friends on the force.


CLARENCE

Could you find out if they know anythin'? I don't know they know shit

about us. But I don't wanna think, I wanna know. You could find out for

sure what's goin' on.

(pause)

Daddy?


CLIFF

What makes you think I could do that?


CLARENCE

You were a cop.


CLIFF

What makes you think I would do that?


CLARENCE

I'm your son.


CLIFF

You got it all worked out, don't you?


CLARENCE

Look, goddamnit, I never asked you for a goddamn thing! I've tried to

make your parental obligation as easy as possible. After Mom divorced

you, did I ask you for anything? When I wouldn't see ya for six months to a

year at a time, did you ever get your shit about it? No, it was always "OK",

"No problem", "You're a busy guy, I understand". The whole time you

were a drunk, did I ever point my finger at you and talk shit? No!

Everybody else did. I never did. You see, I know that you're just a bad

parent. You're not really very good at it. But I know you love me. I'm

basically a pretty resourceful guy. If I didn't really need it I wouldn't ask.

And if you say no, don't worry about it. I'm gone. No problems.


Alabama walks in through the door carrying a shopping bag.


ALABAMA

The forager's back.


CLARENCE

Thank God. I could eat a horse if you slap enough catsup on it.


ALABAMA

I didn't get any chicken.


CLARENCE

How come?


ALABAMA

It's nine o'clock in the morning. Nothing's open.


INT. TRAILER HOME ? BEDROOM ? DAY


Cliff's on the telephone in his bedroom, pacing as he talks. The living room od

the trailer can be seen from his doorway, where Clarence and Alabama are

horsing around. They giggle and cut up throughout the scene. As Cliff talks, all

the noise and hubbub of a police station comes through over the line. He's

talking to DETECTIVE WILSON, an old friend of his from the force.


We see both inside the conversation.


CLIFF

It's about that pimp that was shot a couple of days ago, Drexl Spivey.


WILSON

What about him?


CLIFF

Well, Ted, to tell you the truth, I found out through the grapevine that it

might be, and I only said might be, the Drexl Spivey that was responsible

for that restaurant break-in on Riverdale.


WILSON

Are you still working security for Foster & Langley?


CLIFF

Yeah, and the restaurant's on my route. And you know, I stuck my nose in

for the company to try to put a stop to some of these break-ins. Now, while

I have no proof, the name Drexl Spivey kept comin' up Who's case is it?


WILSON

McTeague.


CLIFF

I don't know him. Is he a nice guy? You think he'll help me out?


WILSON

I don't see why not. When you gonna come round and see my new place?


CLIFF

You and Robin moved?


WILSON

Shit, are you behind. Me and Robin got a divorce six months ago. Got

myself a new place ? mirrors all over the bedroom, ceiling fans above the

bed. Guy'd have to look as ugly as King Kong not to get laid in this place.

I'm serious, a guy'd have to look like a gorilla.


CUT TO:


EXT. TRAILER HOME ? DAY


Clarence and Cliff stand by Clarence's 1965 red Mustang. Alabama's amusing

herself by doing cartwheels and handstands in the background.


CLIFF

They have nothing. In fact, they think it's drug related.


CLARENCE

Do tell. Why drug related?


CLIFF

Apparently, Drexl had a big toe stuck in shit like that.


CLARENCE

No shit?


CLIFF

Yeah. Drexl had an association with a fella named Blue Lou Boyle. Name

mean anything to you?


CLARENCE

Nope.


CLIFF

If you don't hang around in this circle, no reason it should.


CLARENCE

Who is he?


CLIFF

Gangster. Drug Dealer. Somebody you don't want on your ass. Look,

Clarence, the more I hear about this Drexl fucker, the more I think you did

the right thing. That guy wasn't just some wild flake.


CLARENCE

That's what I've been tellin' ya. The guy was like a mad dog. So the cops

aren't looking for me?


CLIFF

Naw, until they hear something better they'll assume Drexl and Blue Lou

had a falling out. So, once you leave twon, I wouldn't worry about it.


Clarence sticks his hand out to shake. Cliff takes it.


CLARENCE

Thanks a lot, Daddy. You really came through for me.


CLIFF

I got some money I can give you ?


CLARENCE

Keep it.


CLIFF

Well, son, I want you to know I hope everything works out with you and

Alabama. I like her. I think you make a cute couple.


CLARENCE

We do make a cute couple, don't we?


CLIFF

Yeah, well, just stay outta trouble. Remeber, you got a wife to think about.

Quit fuckin' around.

(pause)

I love you son.


They hug each other,


Clarence takes a pice of paper out and puts it into Cliff's hand.


CLARENCE

This is Dick's number in Hollywood. We don't know where we'll be, but

you can get a hold of me through him.


Clarence turns toward Alabama and yells to her.


CLARENCE

Bama, we're outta here. Kiss Pops goodbye,


Alabama runs across from where she was and throws her arms around Cliff

and gives him a big smackeroo on the lips. Cliff's a little startled. Alabama's

bubbling like a Fresca.


ALABAMA

Bye, Daddy! Hope to see you again real soon.


CLARENCE

(mock anger)

What kind of daughterly smackeroo was that?


ALABAMA

Oh, hush up.


The two get into the Mustang.


CLARENCE

(to Cliff)

We'll send you a postcard as soon as we get to Hollywood.


Clarence starts the engine. The convertible roof opens as they talk.


CLIFF

Bama, you take care of that one for me. Keep him out of trouble.


ALABAMA

Don't worry, Daddy, I'm keepin' this fella on a short leash.


Clarence, slowly, starts driving away.


CLARENCE

(to Cliff)

As the sun sets slowly in the west we bid a fond farewell to all the friends

we've made... and, with a touch of melancholy, we look forward to the time

when we will all be together again.


Clarence peels out, shooting a shower of gravel up in the air.


As the Mustang disappears Cliff runs his tongue over his lips.


CLIFF

The-son-of-a-bitch was right... she does taste like a peach.


INT. DICK'S APARTMENT ? DAY


Dick's apartment is standard issue for a young actor. Things are pretty neat

and clean. A nice stereo unit sits on the shelf. A framed picture of a ballet

dancer's feet hangs on the wall.


The phone rings, Dick answers.


DICK

Hi, Dick here.


INT. HOTEL SUITE ? LAS VEGAS ? SUNSET


Top floor, Las Vegas, Nevada hotel room with a huge picture window

overlooking the neon-filled strip and the flaming red and orange sunset sky.


Clarence paces up and down with the telephone in his hand.


CLARENCE

(big bopper voice)

Heeeellllloooo baaaabbbbbyyyy!!!


Note: We intercut both sides of the conversation.


DICK

(unsure)

Clarence?


CLARENCE

You got it.


DICK

It's great to hear from you.


CLARENCE

Well, you're gonna be seein' me shortly.


DICK

You comin' to L.A.? When?


CLARENCE

Tomorrow.


DICK

What's up? Why're leavin' Detroit?


Clarence sits down on the hotel room bed. Alabama, wearing only a long T-

shirt with a big picture of Bullwinkle on it, crawls behind him.


CLARENCE

Well, there's a story behind all that. I'll tell you when I see you. By the way,

I won't be alone. I'm bringing my wife with me.


DICK

Get the fuck outta here!


CLARENCE

I'm married man.


DICK

Get the fuck outta here!


CLARENCE

Believe it or not, I actually tricked a girl into falling in love with me. I'm

not quite sure how I did it. I'd hate to have to do it again. But I did it.

Wanna say hi to my better half?


Before Dick can respond Clarence puts Alabama on the phone.


ALABAMA

Hi, Dick. I'm Alabama Worley.


DICK

Hello, Alabama.


ALABAMA

I can't wait to meet you. Clarence told me all about you. He said you were

his best friend. So, I guess that makes you my best friend, too.


Clarence start dictating to her what to say.


CLARENCE

Tell him we gotta go.


ALABAMA

Clarence says we gotta be hittin' it.


DICK

What?


CLARENCE

Tell him we'll be hittin' his area some time tomorrow.


ALABAMA

He said don't go nowhere. We'll be there some time tomorrow.


DICK

Wait a minute ?


CLARENCE

Tell him not to eat anything. We're gonna scarf when we get there.


ALABAMA

Don't eat anything.


DICK

Alabama, could you tell Clar ?


CLARENCE

Ask him if he got the letter.


ALABAMA

Did you get the letter?


DICK

What letter?


ALABAMA

(to Clarence)

What letter?


CLARENCE

The letter I sent.


ALABAMA

(to Dick)

The letter he sent.


DICK

Clarence sent a letter?


CLARENCE

Has he gotten his mail today?


ALABAMA

Gotten your mail yet?


DICK

Yeah, my room-mate leaves it on the TV.


ALABAMA

(to Clarence)

Yes.


CLARENCE

Has he looked through it yet?


ALABAMA

(to Dick)

Ya looked through it?


DICK

Not yet.


ALABAMA

(to Clarence)

Nope.


CLARENCE

Tell him to look through it.


ALABAMA

(to Dick)

Get it.


DICK

Let me speak to Clarence.


ALABAMA

(to Clarence)

He wants to speak with you.


CLARENCE

No time. Gotta go. Just tell him to read the letter, the letter explains all.

Tell him I love him. And tell him, as of tomorrow, all his money problems

are over.


ALABAMA

(to Dick)

He can't. We gotta go, but he wants you to read the letter. The letter

explains it all. He wants you to know he loves you. And he wants you to

know that as of tomorrow, all of your money problems are over.


DICK

Money problems?


CLARENCE

Now tell him goodbye.


ALABAMA

Bye-bye.


CLARENCE

Now hang up.


She hangs up the phone.


INT. DICK'S APARTMENT ? DAY


Dick hears the click on the other end.


DICK

Hello, hello, Clarence? Clarence's wife?... I mean Alabama... hello?


Extremely confused, Dick jangs up the phone. He goes over to the TV and picks

up the day's mail. He goes through it.


BILL: Southern California Gas Company.


BILL: Group W.


BILL: Fossenkemp Photography.


BILL: Columbia Record and Tape Club.


LETTER: It's obviously from Clarence. Addressed to Dick. Dick opens it.


EXT. TRAILER ? DAY


A lower-middle-class trailer park named Astro World, which has a neon sign in

front of it in the shape of a planet.


A big, white Chevy Nova pulls into the park. It parks by a trailer that's slightly

less kept up than the others. Cliff gets out of the Chevy. He's drinking out of a

fast-food soda cup as he opens the door to his trailer.


INT. TRAILER ? DAY


He steps inside the doorway and then, before he knows it, a gun is pressed to

his temple and a big hand grabs his shoulder.


GUN CARRIER (DARIO)

Welcome home, alchy. We're havin' a party.


Cliff is roughly shoved into his living room. Waiting for him are four men,

standing: VIRGIL, FRANKIE (young Wise-guy) LENNY (an old Wise-guy),

and TOOTH-PICK VIC (a fireplug pitbull type).

Sitting in Cliff's recliner is VINCENZO COCCOTTI, the Frank Nitti to Detroid

mob leader Blue Lou Boyle.


Cliff is knocked to his knees. He looks up and sees the sitting Coccotti. Dario

and Lenny pick him up and roughly drop him in a chair.


COCCOTTI

(to Frankie)

Tell Tooth-pick Vic to go outside and do you-know-what.


In Italian Frankie tells Tooth-pick Vic what Coccotti said. He nods and exits.


Cliff's chair is moved closer to Coccotti's. Dario stands on one side of Cliff.

Frankie and Lenny ransack the trailer. Virgil has a bottle of Chivas Regal in his

hand, but he has yet to touch a drop.

COCCOTTI

Do you know who I am, Mr. Worley?


CLIFF

I give up. Who are you?

COCCOTTI

I'm the Anti-Christ. You get me in a vendetta kind of mood, you will tell

the angels in heaven that you had never seen pure evil so singularly

personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you. My name is

Vincenzo Coccotti. I work as a counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle, the man

your son stole from. I hear you were once a cop so I assume you've heard

of us before. Am I correct?

CLIFF

I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.


COCCOTTI

I'm glad. Hopefully that will clear up the how-full-of-shit-I-am question

you've been asking yourself. Now, we're gonna have a little Q and A, and,

at the risk of sounding redundant, please make your answers genuine.
(taking out a pack of Chesterfields)

Want a Chesterfield?


CLIFF

No.


COCCOTTI

(as he lights up)

I have a son of my own. About you boy's age. I can imagine how painful

this must be for you. But Clarence and that bitch-whore girlfriend of his

brought this all on themselves. And I implore you not to go down the road

with 'em. You can always take comfort in the fact that you never had a

choice.


CLIFF

Look, I'd help ya if I could, but I haven't seen Clarence ?


Before Cliff can finish his sentence, Coccotti slams him hard in the nose with

his fist.


COCCOTTI

Smarts, don't it? Gettin' slammed in the nose fucks you all up. You got that

pain shootin' through your brain. Your eyes fill up with water. It ain't any

kind of fun. But what I have to offer you. That's as good as it's ever gonna

get, and it won't ever get that good again. We talked to your neighbors.

They saw a Mustang, a red Mustang, Clarence's red Mustang, parked in

front of your trailer yesterday. Mr. Worley, have you seen your son?


Cliff's defeated.


CLIFF

I've seen him.


COCCOTTI

Now I can't be sure of how much of what he told you. So in the chance

you're in the dark about some of this, let me shed some light. That whore

your boy hangs around with, her pimp is an associate of mine, and I don't

just mean pimpin', in other affairs he works for me in a courier capacity.

Well, apparently, that dirty little whore found out when we're gonna do

some business, cause your son, the cowboy and his flame, came in the room

blastin' and didn't stop till they were pretty sure everybody was dead.


CLIFF

What are you talkin' about?


COCCOTTI

I'm talkin' about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics and hightailed it

outta there. Wouldda gotten away with it, but your son, fuckhead that he is,

left his driver's license in a dead guy's hand. A whore hiding in the

commode filled in all the blanks.


CLIFF

I don't believe you.


COCCOTTI

That's of minor importance. But what's of major fuckin' importance is that

I believe you. Where did they go?


CLIFF

On their honeymoon.


COCCOTTI

I'm gettin' angry askin' the same question a second time. Where did they

go?


CLIFF

They didn't tell me.


Coccotti looks at him.


CLIFF

Now, wait a minute and listen. I haven't seen Clarence in three years.

Yesterday he shows up here with a girl, sayin' he got married. He told me

he needed some quick cash for a honeymoon, so he asked if he could

borrow five hundred dollars. I wanted to help him out so I wrote out a

check. We went to breakfast and that's the last I saw of him. So help me

God. They never thought to tell me where they were goin'. And I never

thought to ask.


Coccotti looks at him for a long moment. He then gives Virgil a look. Virgil,

quick as greased lightning, grabs Cliff's hand and turns it palm up. He then

whips out a butterfly knife and slices Cliff's palm open and pours Chivas Regal

on the wound. Cliff screams.


Coccotti puffs on a Chesterfield.


Tooth-pic Vic returns to the trailer, and reports in Italian that there's nothing in

the car.


Virgil walks into the kitchen and gets a dishtowel. Cliff holds his bleeding palm

in agony. Virgil hands him the dishtowel. Cliff uses it to wrap up his hand.


COCCOTTI

Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm a Sicilian. And my old

man was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. And from

growin' up with him I learned the pantomime. Now there are seventeen

different things a guy can do when he lies to give him away. A guy has

seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen.

And if you know 'em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors to

hell. What we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna

show me nothin'. But you're tellin' me everything. Now I know you know

where they are. So tell me, before I do some damage you won't walk away

from.


The awful pain in Cliff's hand is being replaced by the awful pain in his heart.

He looks deep into Coccotti's eyes.

CLIFF

Could I have one of those Chesterfields now?


COCCOTTI

Sure.


Coccotti leans over and hands him a smoke.


CLIFF

Got a match?


Cliff reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.


CLIFF

Oh, don't bother. I got one.

(he lights the cigarette)

So you're a Sicilian, huh?


COCCOTTI

(intensly)

Uh-huh.


CLIFF

You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find

that shit fascinating. In fact, I don't know if you know this or not, Sicilians

were spawned by niggers.


All the men stop what they were doing and look at Cliff, except for Tooth-pic

Vic who doesn't speak English and so isn't insulted. Coccotti can't believe what

he's hearing.


COCCOTTI

Come again?


CLIFF

It's a fact. Sicilians have nigger blood pumpin' through their hearts. If you

don't believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago

the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are niggers. Way back then,

Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But,

once the Moors moved in there, they changed the whole country. They did

so much fuckin' with the Sicilian women, they changed the blood-line for

ever, from blond hair and blue eyes to black hair and dark skin. I find it

absolutely amazing to think that to this day, hundreds of years later,

Sicilians still carry that nigger gene. I'm just quotin' history. It's a fact. It's

written. Your ancestors were niggers. Your great, great, great, great, great-

grandmother was fucked by a nigger, and had a half-nigger kid. That is a

fact. Now tell me, am I lyin'?

Coccotti looks at him for a moment then jumps up, whips out an automatic,

grabs hold of Cliff's hair, puts the barrel to his temple, and pumps three bullets

through Cliff's head.


He pushes the body violently aside. Coccotti pauses. Unable to express his

feelings and frustrated by the blood in his hands, he simply drops his weapon,

and turns to his men.

COCCOTTI

I haven't killed anybody since 1974. Goddamn his soul to burn for eternity

in fuckin' hell for makin' me spill blood on my hands! Go to this

comedian's son's apartment and come back with somethin' that tells me

where that asshole went so I can wipe this egg off of my face and fix this

fucked-up family for good.


Tooth-pick Vic taps Frankie's shoulder and, in Italianm asks him what that was

all about.


Lenny, who has been going through Cliff's refridgerator, has found a beer.

When he closes the refridgerator door he finds a note held on by a ceramic

banana magnet that says: "Clarence in L.A.: Dick Ritchie (number and

address)".


LENNY

Boss, get ready to get happy.


TITLE CARD: "CLARENCE AND ALABAMA HIT L.A."


INT. DICK'S APARTMENT ? MORNING


Dick's asleep in a recliner. He's wearing his clothes from the night before. His

room-mate FLOYD is lying on the sofa watching TV.


The sound of our hands knocking on his door wakes Dick up. He shakes the

bats out of his belfry, opens the door, and finds the cutest couple in Los Angeles

standing in his doorway.


Clarence and Alabama immediately start singing "Hello My Baby" like the frog

in the old Chuck Jones cartoon.


CLARENCE/ALABAMA

Hello my baby,

Hello my honey,

Hello my ragtime gal ?


DICK

Hi guys.


Alabama throws her arms around Dick, and gives him a quick kiss. After she

breaks, Clarence does the same. Clarence and Alabama walk right past Dick

and into his apartment.


CLARENCE

Wow. Neat place.


INT. PINK'S HOT-DOG STAND ? DAY


The Pink's employees work like skilled Benihana chefs as they assemble the

ultimate masterpiece hot-dog.


EXT. PINK'S HOT-DOG STAND ? PATIO ? DAY


Clarence, Alabama, and Dick are sitting at an outdoor table chowing down on

chili dogs. Alabama is in the middle of a story.


ALABAMA

... when my mom went into labor, my dad panicked. He never had a kid

before, and crashed the car. Now, picture this: their car's demolished,

crowd is starting to gather, my mom is yelling, going into contractions, and

my dad, who was losing it before, is now completely screaming yellow

zonkers. Then, out of nowhere, as if from thin air, this big giant bus

appears, and the bus-driver says, "Get her in here.". He forgot all about his

route and just drove straight to the hospital. So, because he was such a nice

guy, they wanted to name the baby after him, as a sign of gratitude. Well,

his name was Waldo, and no matter how grateful they were, even if I'da

been a boy, they would't call me Waldo. So they asked Waldo where he was

from. And, so there you go.


CLARENCE

And here we are.


DICK

That's a pretty amazing story.


CLARENCE

Well, she's a pretty amazing girl. What are women like out here?


DICK

Just like in Detroit, only skinnier.


CLARENCE

You goin' out?


DICK

Well, for the past couple of years I've been goin' out with girls from my

acting class.


CLARENCE

Good for you.


DICK

What's so fuckin' good about it? Actresses are the most fucked-in-the-head

bunch of women in the world. It's like they gotta pass a test of emotional

instability before they can get their SAG card. Oh, guess what? I had a

really good reading for "T.J. Hooker" the other day.


ALABAMA

You're gonna be on "T.J. Hooker"?


DICK

Knock wood.


He knocks the table and then looks at it.


DICK

... formica. I did real well. I think she liked me.


CLARENCE

Did you meet Captain Kirk?


DICK

You don't meet him in the audition. That comes later. Hope, hope.


ALABAMA

(finishing her hot-dog)

That was so good I am gonna have another.


DICK

You can't have just one.


Alabama leaves to get another hot-dog. Clarence never takes his eyes off her.


DICK

How much of that letter was on the up and up?


CLARENCE

Every word of it.


Dick sees where Clarence's attention is.


DICK

You're really in love, aren't you?


CLARENCE

For the very first time in my life.

(pause)

Do you know what that's like?


Clarence is so intense Dick doesn't know how to answer.


DICK

(regretfully)

No, I don't

(he looks at Alabama)

How did you two meet?


Clarence leans back thoughtfully and takes a sip from his Hebrew cream soda.


CLARENCE

Do you remember The Lyric?


INT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT


Sonny Chiba, as "Streetfighter" Terry Surki, drives into a group of guys, fists

and feet flying and whips ass on the silver screen.


Clarence sits, legs over the back of the chair in front of him, nibbling on

popcorn, eyes big as sourcers, and a big smile on his face.


EXT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT


A cab pulls up to the outside of The Lyric. The marquee carries the names of the

triple feature: "The Streetfighter", "Return of the Streetfighter" and "Sister

Streetfighter". Alabama steps out of the taxi cab and walks up to the box office.


A BOX OFFICE GIRL reading comic looks at her.


ALABAMA

One please.


BOX OFFICE GIRL

Ninety-nine cents.


ALABAMA

Which one is on now?


BOX OFFICE GIRL

"Return of the Streetfighter". It's been on about forty-five minutes.


INT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? LOBBY ? NIGHT


Alabama walks into the lobby and goes over to the concession stand. A

YOUNG USHER takes care of her.


ALABAMA

Can I have a medium popcorn? A super-large Mr. Pibb, and a box of

Goobers.


INT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT


It's still assholes and elbows on the screen with Sonny Chiba taking on all-

comers.


Alabama walks through the doors with her bounty of food. She makes a quick

scan of the theater. Not many people are there. She makes a beeline for the

front whick happens to be Clarence's area of choice. She picks the row of seats

just behind Clarence and starts asking her way down it.


Clarence turns and sees this beautiful girl all alone moving towards him. He

turns his attention back to the screen, trying not to be so obvious.


When Alabama gets right behind Clarence, her foot thunks a discarded wine

bottle, causing her to trip and spill her popcorn over Clarence.


ALABAMA

Oh, look what happened. Oh god, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?


CLARENCE

Yeah. I'm fine. It didn't hurt.


ALABAMA

I'm the clumsiest person in the world.


CLARENCE

(picking popcorn out of his hair)

It's OK. Don't worry about it. Accidents happen.


ALABAMA

(picking popcorn out of his hair)

What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for being such a sweetheart. You

could have been a real dick.


Alabama sits back in her seat to watch the movie.


Clarence tries to wipe her out of his mind, which isn't easy, and get back into

the movie.


They both watch the screen for a moment. Then, Alabama leans forward and

taps Clarence on the shoulder.


ALABAMA

Excuse me... I hate to bother you again. Would you mind too terribly filling

me in on what I missed?


Jumping on this opportunity.


CLARENCE

Not at all. I, this guy here, he's Sonny Chiba.


ALABAMA

The oriental.


CLARENCE

The oriental in black. He's an assasin. Now, at the beginning he was hired

to kill this guy the cops had. So he got himself arrested. They take him into

the police station. And he starts kickin' all the cops' asses. Now, while

keepin' them at bay, he finds the guy he was supposed to kill. Does a

number on him. Kicks the cops' asses some more. Kicks the bars out of the

window. And jumps out into a getaway car that was waiting for him.


ALABAMA

Want some Goobers?


CLARENCE

Thanks a lot.


ALABAMA

I thought Sonny was the good guy.


CLARENCE

He ain't so much good guy as he's just a bad motherfucker. Sonny don't be

bullshittin'. He fucks dudes up for life. Hold on, a fight scene's coming up.


They both watch, eyes wide, as Sonny Chiba kicks asses.


TIME CUT:


On the screen, Sonny Chiba's all jacked up. Dead bodies lie all around him.

THE END (in Japanese) flashes on the screen.


The theater light go up. Alabama's now sitting in the next seat to Clarence.

They're both applauding.


ALABAMA

Great movie. Action-packed!


CLARENCE

Does Sonny kick ass or does Sonny kick ass?


ALABAMA

Sonny kicks ass.


CLARENCE

You shoulda saw the first original uncut version of the "Streetfighter". It

was the only movie up to that time rated X for violence. But we just saw the

R.


ALABAMA

If that was the R, I'd love to see the X.


CLARENCE

My name is Clarence, and what is yours?


ALABAMA

Alabama Whitman. Pleased to meet ya.


CLARENCE

Is that your real name? Really?


ALABAMA

That's my real name, really. I got proof. See.


She shows Clarence her driver's license.


CLARENCE

Well, cut my legs off and call me Shorty. That's a pretty original moniker

there, Alabama. Sounds like a Pam Grier movie.

(announcer voice)

She's a sixteen-calibre kitten, equally equipped for killin' an' lovin'! She

carried a sawed-off shotgun in her purse, a black belt around her waist,

and the white-hot fire of hate in her eyes! Alabama Whitman is Pam Grier!

Pray for forgiveness, Rated R... for Ruthless Revenge!


EXT. THE LYRIC THEATER ? NIGHT


Clarence and Alabama are outside the theater. With the marquee lit up in the

background they both perform unskilled martial arts moves. Clarence and

Alabama break up laughing.


CLARENCE

Where's your car? I'll walk you to it.


ALABAMA

I took a cab.


CLARENCE

You took a cab to see three kung fu movies?


ALABAMA

Sure. Why not?


CLARENCE

Nothing. It's just you're a girl after my own heart.


ALABAMA

What time is it?


CLARENCE

'Bout twelve.


ALABAMA

I suppose you gotta get up early, huh?


CLARENCE

No. Not particularly.

(pause)

How come?


ALABAMA

Well, it's just when I see a really good movie I really like to go out and get

some pie, and talk about it. It's sort of tradition. Do you like to eat pie after

you've seen a good movie?


CLARENCE

I love to get pie after a movie.


ALABAMA

Would you like to get some pie?


CLARENCE

I'd love some pie.


INT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT ? NIGHT


Clarence and Alabama are sitting in a booth at an all-night Denny's. It's about

12:40 a.m. Clarence is having a piece of chocolate cream pie and a coke.

Alabama's nibbling on a peace of heated apple pie and sipping on a large Tab.


CLARENCE

Well, enough about the King. How about you?


ALABAMA

How 'bout me what?


CLARENCE

Tell me about yourself.


ALABAMA

There's nothing to tell.


CLARENCE

C'mon. What're ya tryin' to be? The Phantom Lady?


ALABAMA

What do you want to know?


CLARENCE

Well, for starters, what do you do? Where're ya from? What's your

favorite color? Who's your favorite movie star? What kinda music do you

like? What are your turn-ons and turn-offs? Do you have a fella? What's

the story behind you takin' a cab to the most dangerous part of town alone?

And, in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?


Alabama takes a bite of pie, puts down her fork, and looks at Clarence.


ALABAMA

Ask me them again. One by one.


CLARENCE

What do you do?


ALABAMA

I don't remember.


CLARENCE

Where are you from.


ALABAMA

Might be from Tallahassee. But I'm not sure yet.


CLARENCE

What's your favorite color?


ALABAMA

I don't remember. But off the top of my head, I'd say black.


CLARENCE

What's your favorite movie star?


ALABAMA

Burt Reynolds.


CLARENCE

Would you like a bite of my pie?


ALABAMA

Yes, I would.


Clarence scoops up a piece on his fork and Alabama bites it off.


CLARENCE

Like it?


ALABAMA

Very much. Now, where were we?


CLARENCE

What kinda music do you like?


ALABAMA

Phil Spector. Girl group stuff. You know, like "He's a Rebel".


CLARENCE

What are your turn-ons?


ALABAMA

Mickey Rourke, somebody who can appreciate the finer things in life, like

Elvis's voice, good kung fu, and a tasty piece of pie.


CLARENCE

Turn-offs?


ALABAMA

I'm sure there must be something, but I don't really remember. The only

thing that comes to mind are Persians.


CLARENCE

Do you have a fella?


She looks at Clarence and smiles.


ALABAMA

I'm not sure yet. Ask me again later.


CLARENCE

What's the story behind you takin' a cab to the most dangerous part of

town alone?


ALABAMA

Apparently, I was hit on the head with something really heavy, giving me a

form of amnesia. When I came to, I didn't know who I was, where I was, or

where I came from. Luckily, I had my driver's license or I wouldn't even

know my name. I hoped it would tell me where I lived but it had a

Tallahassee address on it, and I stopped somebody on the street and they

told me I was in Detroit. So that was no help. But I did have some money on

me, so I hopped in a cab until I saw somethin' that looked familiar. For

some reason, and don't ask me why, that theater looked familiar. So I told

him to stop and I got out.


CLARENCE

And in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?


ALABAMA

Because you looked like a nice guy, and I was a little scared. And I sure

couldda used a nice guy about that time, so I spilled my popcorn on you.


Clarence looks at her closely. He picks up his soda and sucks on the straw until

it makes that slurping sound. He puts it aside and stares into her soul.


A smile cracks on her face and develops into a big wide grin.


ALABAMA

Aren't you just dazzled by my imagination, lover boy?

(eats her last piece of pie)

Where to next?


INT. COMIC BOOK STORE ? NIGHT


It's about 1:30 a.m. Clarence has taken Alabama to where he works. It's a

comic book store called Heroes For Sale. Alabama thinks this place is super-

cool.


ALABAMA

Wow. What a swell place to work.


CLARENCE

Yeah, I got the key, so I come here at night, hang out, read comic books,

play music.


ALABAMA

How long have you worked here?


CLARENCE

Almost four years.


ALABAMA

That's a long time.


CLARENCE

I'm hip. But you know, I'm comfortable here. It's easy work. I know what

I'm doing. Everybody who works here is my buddy. I'm friendly with most

of the customers. I just hang around and talk about comic books all day.


ALABAMA

Do you get paid a lot?


CLARENCE

That's where trouble comes into paradise. But the boss let's you borrow

some money if you need it. Wanna see what "Spiderman" number one

looks like?


ALABAMA

You bet. How much is that worth?


Clarence gets a box off the shelf.


CLARENCE

Four hundred bucks.


ALABAMA

I didn't even know they had stores that just sold comic books.


CLARENCE

Well, we sell other things too. Cool stuff. "Man from U.N.C.L.E." Lunch

boxes. "Green Hornet" board games. Shit like that. But comic books are

main business. There's a lot of collectors around here.


She holds up a little GI Joe sized action figure of a black policeman.


ALABAMA

What's that?


CLARENCE

That's a "Rookies" doll. George Sanford Brown. We gotta lotta dolls.

They're real cool. Did you know they came out with dolls for all the actors

in "The Black Hole"? I always found it funny somewhere there's a kid

playin' with a little figure of Earnest Borgnine.


He pulls a plastic-cased "Spiderman" comic form the box.


CLARENCE

"Spiderman", number one. The one that started it all.


Clarence shows the comic book to Alabama.


ALABAMA

God, Spiderman looks different.


CLARENCE

He was just born, remember? This is the first one. You know that guy, Dr.

Gene Scott? He said that the story of Spiderman is the story of Christ, just

disguised. Well, I thought about that even before I heard him say it. Hold

on, let me show you my favorite comic book cover of all time.


He pulls out another comic.


CLARENCE

"Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos". One of the coolest series known

to man. They're completely worthless. You can get number one for about

four bucks. But that's one of the cool things about them, they're so cheap.

(he opens one up)

Just look at that artwork, will ya. Great stories. Great Characters. Look at

this one.


We see the "Sgt. Fury" panels.


CLARENCE

Nick's gotten a ring from his sweetheart and he wears it around his neck on

a chain. OK, later in the story he gets into a fight with a Nazi bastard on a

ship. He knocks the guy overboard, but the Kraut grabs ahold of his chain

and the ring goes overboard too. So, Nick dives into the ocean to get it. Isn't

that cool?


She's looking into Clarence's eyes. He turns and meets her gaze.


CLARENCE

Alabama, I'd like you to have this.


Clarence hands her the "Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos" comic book

that he loves so much.


INT. CLARENCE'S APARTMENT ? BEDROOM ? NIGHT


Clarence's bedroom is a pop culture explosion. Movie posters, pictures of Elvis,

anything you can imagine. The two walk through the door.


ALABAMA

What a cool room!


She runs and does a jumping somersault into his bed.


Later. Alabama's sitting Indian-style going through Clarence's photo album.

Clarence is behind her planting little kisses on her neck and shoulders.


ALABAMA

Oooooh, you look so cute in your little cowboy outfit. How old were you

then?


CLARENCE

Five.


She turns the page.


ALABAMA

Oh, you look so cute as little Elvis.


CLARENCE

I finally knew what I wanted when I grew up.


LATER ? LIVING ROOM


Clarence and Alabama slow dance in the middle of his room to Janis Joplin's

"Piece of My Heart".


CLARENCE

You know when you sat behind me?


ALABAMA

At the movies?


CLARENCE

Uh-huh, I was tryin' to think of somethin' to say to you, then I thought, she

doesn't want me bothering her.


ALABAMA

What would make you think that?


CLARENCE

I dunno. I guess I'm just stupid.


ALABAMA

You're not stupid. Just wrong.


They move to the music. Alabama softly, quietly sings some of the words to the

song.


ALABAMA

I love Janis.


CLARENCE

You know, a lot of people have misconceptions of how she died.


ALABAMA

She OD'd, didn't she?


CLARENCE

Yeah, she OD'd. But wasn't on her last legs or anythin'. She didn't take too

much. It shouldn't have killed her. There was somethin' wrong with what

she took.


ALABAMA

You mean she got a bad batch?


CLARENCE

That's what happened. In fact, when she died, it was considered to be the

happiest time of her life. She'd been fucked over so much by men she didn't

trust them. She was havin' this relationship with this guy and he asked her

to marry him. Now, other people had asked to marry her before, but she

couldn't be sure whether they really loved her or were just after her money.

So, she said no. And the guy says, "Look, I really love you, and I wanna

prove it. So have your lawyers draw up a paper that says no matter what

happens, I can never get any of your money, and I'll sign it." So she did,

and he asked her, and she said yes. And once they were engaged he told her

a secret about himself that she never knew: he was a millionaire.


ALABAMA

So he really loved her?


CLARENCE

Uh-huh.


They kiss.


INT. CLARENCE'S APARTMENT ? BEDROOM ? DAY


It's the next day, around 1 p.m. Clarence wakes up in his bed, alone. He looks

around, and no Alabama. Then he hears crying in the distance. He puts on a

robe and investigates.


INT. CLARENCE'S APARTMENT ? LIVING ROOM ? DAY


Alabama's wearing one of Clarence's old shirts. She's curled up in a chair

crying. Clarence approaches her. She tries to compose herself.


CLARENCE

What's wrong, sweetheart? Did I do something? What did I do?


ALABAMA

You didn't do nothing.


CLARENCE

Did you hurt yourself?

(he takes her foot)

Whatd'ya do? Step on a thumbtack?


ALABAMA

Clarence, I've got something to tell you. I didn't just happen to be at the

theater. I was paid to be there.


CLARENCE

What are you, a theater checker? You check up on the box office girls.

Make sure they're not rippin' the place off.


ALABAMA

I'm not a theater checker. I'm a call girl.


Pause.


CLARENCE

You're a whore?


ALABAMA

I'm a call girl. There's a difference, ya know.

(pause)

I don't know. Maybe there's not. That place you took me to last night, that

comic book place.


CLARENCE

"Heroes For Sale"?


ALABAMA

Yeah, that one. Somebody who works there arranged to have me meet you.


CLARENCE

Who?


ALABAMA

I don't know. I didn't talk with them. The plan was for me to bump into

you, pick you up, spend the night, and skip out after you fell asleep. I was

gonna write you a note and say that this was my last day in America. That I

was leaving on a plane this morning up to Ukraine to marry a rich

millionaire, and thank you for making my last day in America my best day.


CLARENCE

That dazzling i